Molly, Molly, Molly,
“Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes,” plus another; “Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes. That’s how you measure, measure” two years… (I’m not great at math so I’d like to give a shout out to “Rent” for lending me this legit intro for my letter to you; on what will be your one and only, second birthday).
What. A. Year. It was filled with so many firsts! From your first steps to your first dance moves. From your first words to your first sentences. How quickly things change. This year, has certainly been about that; change.
Each day, month, and stage that has passed takes my breath away, and just when I think it can’t be any more abundant; it’s as if my adoration and love for you actually grows!
You have certainly begun to develop quite a personality… You have so many likes and dislikes and you aren’t afraid to let me or others know exactly what they are. You are a two year old, blue eyed, intelligent blonde. You come packaged as twenty six pounds of lean muscle mass, a healthy gut, and a shelf like bottom; all wrapped up in a porcelain colored package. You are a non-smoker who dislikes eating; pretty much whenever your mother is watching. You love to color on everything from coffee tables to your art easel; sometimes as I watch you I find myself wondering if you are destined to be the next “Bob Ross” or “Picasso.” You seem to have an infinite love for “Minion’s” and “Bubble Guppies!” To say that you enjoy music would be a wicked major understatement! Dancing is your everything and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” is without a doubt your jam! You adore the lights and dance floor at The Brunswick and are well know for getting the guys to buy you rounds of Reese’s pieces or skittles. Clearly, you are beyond your years… Like other bar patrons you too enjoy long conversations where you can ramble on incoherently; while people pretend to understand you. You are slightly obsessed with all dogs, but definitely Julio! Unfortunately that the sentiment isn’t always exactly returned…
Amongst other things this year was filled with a lot of planning for our future. I truthfully thought I’d be writing this letter to you as I basked in the Bermuda sun with your father on our honeymoon… instead I’m listening to you snore because we are currently sharing a room at Glammie’s yoga studio. However, there is this thing about life, sometimes when you very least expect it; it falls apart… Sometimes you lose your footing and your catapulted into a life that you had never imagined could be yours. For better or worse when this happens it can be painful, overwhelming, and just plain hard to understand. What feels even more tragic when you first lose the ground from beneath you, is that life literally goes on… That regardless of how many times you’re brought to your knees by tears or in prayer, the world still spins… It doesn’t stop depending on the condition of your human heart; the sun still rises and sets, people around you still work, make plans, smile, laugh, and celebrate the beauty around you. You Molly are a shining and palpable example of just this. I can’t count the number of moments that you have pulled me out of my sorrow to be with you throughout this experience. Your joy for life and gift of being in the present moment, whatever it is, both inspires and strengthens me.
As I’ve been writing this letter a part of me feels so hungry to share with you the traumatic nature of what has happened to our family. But how? How can I tell you about something that I don’t even understand? I keep telling myself that I have years to figure it out… That by then all of my therapy and insight will prevail, and I’ll be able to make sense of all of this for you, and for me. The truth is, Molly… I don’t think that will ever be the case. I don’t think that this is something we will ever truly be able to comprehend. There is no closure when something like this happens. As I pick up the pieces of a mess that I don’t feel responsible for, I’m struck with the fact that no matter what; there will be no “winners” in this “fight.” Why? Because at the end of the day you have lost your father and I have lost who I thought was my greatest love… I’m sorry, but this is the undeniable truth of what has happened to us.
In moments the desire to tell you now or down the road as you read this, that your dad is a monster feels as equally compelling, as it does nauseating. Who would that serve, I wonder. Would it make it easier for me to find sleep with my broken, but still beating heart? Would it make you stop asking why your daddy is gone? Would it help us (or me) forget the genuine love that existed in our little family? Would attacking his character make the pictures fade faster? Would it help you understand why I had to walk away from him, and do everything I could to keep us safe and protected? No, I don’t think it would.
Molly, your father LOVED you! I’m more sure of this more than I’ve ever been sure of anything! I wrote about it in my first open letter to you. As I re-read that letter part of me wanted to erase it. How could I have been so wrong I thought!? I’ve thoroughly searched every nook and cranny of my heart and soul looking for answers, and although I’m sure my truth will morph through the years I want you to know what I feel and recognize to be true, right now… If this experience has taught me anything so far it’s the importance of being honest with yourself and others. What I wrote in that letter wasn’t wrong. The message I delivered was as equally true then as it is now. It’s REALLY painful and hard to acknowledge; given the path that you I and our now faced with, but I still believe that he was the right choice for you and for me. Your dad was/is sick. I don’t share this thought with you to in anyway diminish the magnitude of the choices that he made. For what he did was exactly that, a choice. In every moment of every day we are all making decisions which are propelling us, either closer to or further away from our true nature. Closer to or further away from who we want or are capable of becoming. Your dad is no different. It was likely a million little choices that led him to this place; and he will now be held accountable for what he has done.
I share this because I want you to understand that he completely hid his demon’s from us. We could not have known. I could have had a million trillion degrees and trainings in psychology; and I still wouldn’t have thought or fathomed what he was internally battling, or capable of. Why? Because he kept that part of himself hidden, as if his life depended on it; because it did. The life that he has now lost; the life with you and me.
The idea that he is “sick” doesn’t make the nature of his crime any less horrendous or in any way ok. I just need you to know this; we were the life that he truly wanted. You could see it his eyes when he looked at you. You could hear it in his voice when he talked about you. No one ever loved a daughter the way that he loved you… With us Molly, your dad was living in his true potential. He was being the man that he desperately wanted to be. He just couldn’t sustain it. So when I ask myself, why did we choose him? Why did we choose him as a father and a partner if it was destined to end like this? The answer is as simple as it is clear… Without him there wouldn’t be a you! That’s reason enough, my baby girl. That is reason enough…
Sooooooo yeah, amongst all of your milestones you could say we have had our world “rocked” this year… While I hit an emotional low that I didn’t know existed, you my beautiful girl, remained mostly oblivious and authentically happy! Thank you, God. With every smile, giggle, and confusing conversation, you have reminded me how resilient the human spirit is. What an excruciating and simultaneously hopeful circumstance, that conditions of our hearts can coexist; as we find our way through this mess… Molly, you have saved me. Every moment of every day, you continue to rescue me; again and again. You have written in my heart that I have what it takes to rise from the ashes, because you need me just as I need you. So how do we want to “measure, measure our year?” How about in love!!!
Happy birthday, baby!! I love you and thank the universe for your existence, every single day!