The “Bilotta effect”

One time when I was in high school I had a science teacher who encouraged me to sign up for a college prep course that he was teaching. I remember looking at him and laughing as I explained that I wasn’t smart enough for that class. I was fast to point out by name, each peer that had registered for the class, and how they were superior to me; in intelligence. I remember him trying to explain to me that when we spend time with people that are where we “want to be,” we engage in a process that can elevate us to that very place… I didn’t take the class. I took a much easier one and remembered thinking that it was kind of hard, so maybe I made the right decision… Regardless, I often think about that choice and that conversation. I call it the “Bilotta effect,” named after my mentioned teacher.

This. This is why. This is why when I was approached by a local news reporter/ friend to share my story I ultimately said yes. I said yes, because every time I’ve ever stepped into the sunlight and let myself be seen; the reward has been that of human connection. A reward that supersedes all others… for what is life about if it’s not about love and connection? I have been continuously empowered, inspired, and healed by the depth in which sharing my (universal) feelings of betrayal, heartache, defeat, and hope has allowed me to connect to with others. Authentically sharing requires a substantial amount of vulnerability, which is scary. However, scarier to me is the idea of remaining silent and being swallowed by shame for the way my life has unfolded…

What’s more is that I find it to be true that nothing really profound (be it victorious or poignant), has ever really happened to me in life when I’ve played it safe. I’ve never learned more about myself, evolved, or been awoken in the midst of comfort and contentment. To acknowledge this soothes my soul for I can’t help but feel inspired by the idea that something big is happening here; inside of me. I am evolving. This beautiful disaster has been nothing if it was not but a catalyst for change; a divine intervention that has broken me wide open. I lay awake at night certain that all of this has been orchestrated to help me find, and live in my true potential. There has always been a part of me, even before this, that has longed to be healed. Likewise I’ve known for some time now that I am meant to be a healer; but neither will come to fruition if I do not dare greatly. So here I am not unafraid, but choosing courage instead; ready to be seen. 

I write and I share to authentically connect with myself and others. I write and I share to help make sense of the internal chaos embedded within my thoughts and feelings. I write and I share to rid myself of the baffling insecurities and shame that seem to come with simply being human… I write and I share because I’m in pain, and like an ointment, it soothes my soul. I write and I share, because like you I yearn to be authentically seen. I write and I share because I hope it empowers others to let themselves be seen. I write and I share because I want to be and raise a strong woman. I write and I share because it heals me and I hope others.✌🏼❤️🙏🏼

6 thoughts on “The “Bilotta effect”

  1. Kat, I’ve seen the commercials for the news special on Thursday and was intrigued. I’ve read your blog now, and I feel the need to tell you how your rawness and strength is so very inspiring. I can’t imagine the pain that you felt and will continue to feel probably forever, but hearing your story and your honest approach is truly amazing. Much love to you and your daughter in your journey towards finding yourself and your happiness again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kat, thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I have a very similar story after a 25-year marriage. Four years later I am still processing what happened. My friends and family continue to be my source of strength and hope. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Every time I try to like a post, it got to a blank screen. Maybe it’s my iPad? I have found courage and strength in each post that I’ve read so far. I’m so glad that you’ve found writing to be therapeutic and somewhat healing. The picture at the top of this post, which I assume to be you and your daughter is beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

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