I wanted to miss you, but I can’t.

I know the value of intention, which is why I knew my trip to Nicaragua was destined to be a powerful one; when I funded it with the sale of my engagement ring. I envisioned it as a week, on my own, for feeling and healing. It wasn’t until the time to leave seemed to rapidly arrive that I started to (rightfully so), freak out about what kind of shit I might have to legitimately feel this week.

Grieving as a mother has been a unique experience for me. Vulnerability is important to me. It’s essential to me because I believe that the only way we can ever feel authentically loved, is if we feel loved while knowing we are being truly seen; this means all of the parts of us, those that we deem to be glorious, as well as the parts that we would rather keep hidden. It requires a tremendous amount of courage to stand seemingly naked in the sunlight, but in doing so I believe we find the true path of healing. I want more than anything for my daughter to grow up feeling truly, authentically seen, and loved for exactly who she is(with no apologies); a task which requires great bravery. I also believe that it is pertinent for me to model the morals that I hope to instill in her. So what I have found myself doing is courageously grieving.

What I mean is, I have been conscious about the grieving I’ve done in front of her, both in real time and through social media like outlets (that I assume she will someday see). Grieving with Molly by my side has been a true gift in so many ways… I don’t like to imagine what my rise from the ashes would have looked like if she wasn’t with me… I’ve tasted it in the few moments that she has not been with me, since our life seemingly burned down. Those moments were the darkest and most paralyzing of my life. Being her mother has filled me with purpose and fuel throughout this journey. I honestly question if I would have, in a “Mollyless” life, found a reason to rise at all…

This pretty much explains why I started to get scared as fuck about how I may think, feel, and function during an entire week without her. Yet, I understand the importance of feeling the feels and functioning in this world as Kat (not just Molly’s Mom). So as my adventure began I started thinking about what my relationship with Jeremy had been, separate from our life together with Molly. The universe of course did its thing, in not letting me off the hook. In fact, the first person I met in the airport (that was a part of my retreat) was a kind man named, Jeremy… Perfect, I thought. Let’s “rehumanize” him!

As I remembered my life with Jeremy, I let myself recall how much fun we’d had together and all the adventures we had experienced; and it was then that I realized that I haven’t let myself miss him yet… This really struck me.

How do you miss someone that did something so horrible? How do you miss someone that you had promised to live your life with, but then betrayed you? How do you miss someone that completely abandoned his life with you? How do you miss someone that society labels a monster? I’m not really sure, but I tried.

I tried by letting my intention be known. I said “Universe I’m ready to feel this part of my grief, let it be done” (silently of course). Then I recalled the first date we went on and the intense chemistry that we had. I thought about all of the traveling back and forth from Maine to Connecticut. I thought about all of things about him that I’d fallen in love with, and I cried. It wasn’t a long or a hard cry though. It was far from the ugly cry I had anticipated!

I tried to stay with those feelings, I really wanted that ugly cry. I yearned for the ugly cry, knowing that it exhausts but heals me. Why wasn’t I crying!? I wasn’t crying because my tears were quickly stifled as I thought of a message I had received on FB just before leaving on my trip. The message came kindly wrapped in genuinely thoughtful and warm wishes for Molly and I. A woman from Jeremy’s past reached out to extend her thoughts, prayers, and condolences for Molly and I. I don’t deny or question if the intention behind it was pure, but she also let me know that she had been romantically involved with him while I was pregnant with Molly. She had not known about me and ended all communication with him once she discovered I existed, which I applaud; for the other woman I had found out about hadn’t done that…

The other woman continued a relationship with him until he moved to Maine, and then seemingly and self reportedly being scorned; reached out to me after the birth of our daughter. She wanted to be sure (that although it had been over for months) I knew that she existed. And boy did I know she existed… I was a new mother, negotiating life when I was contacted by her on Facebook. Talk about being thrown a curve ball… I not easily, but freely, chose to stay in our relationship. This is when Jeremy and I started attending counseling. This is where and when I thought we grew as a couple; and I had learned to trust him again.

The problem with being a sensitive and honest soul is that you tend to think that other people have hearts like yours. The reality is people do not always feel, love, or live with the same moral compass as you… I realize now that just because I was showing up authentically doesn’t mean he was; despite his tears in sessions… Now I know that what I was in love with all along was Jeremy’s true potential; the man that he said he was (and likely wanted to be). Unfortunately for him and I, actions speak far more loudly than words… I wanted to believe that he couldn’t hurt me anymore from behind bars, but he just did; with a new “neon” confirmation that he never was who he pretended to be…

So here’s the thing about putting something out into the universe; if it’s not the right thing or time for you it will not come your way… and it turns out that this was not the week for me to miss Jeremy, at least not with ugly tears. I wanted to miss the way that he looked at me, but I can’t. I wanted to miss the way that we fit together in life, but I can’t.

Instead this week became about forgiveness for myself. I sat with forgiveness for the Kat that didn’t walk away the first time, and as I write this I feel tremendous peace in my heart. I’m not going to be angry with myself for seeing best in others, I don’t want to be hardened by this experience. Instead I’ll use this as a reminder to believe who people are the first time they show me… I’ve also noticed that in finding compassion for myself my feelings of anger towards him are dissipating too; it’s like a double whammy!

I may not be able to miss you, but I can find gratitude for the blessings and lessons that I am finding in my life, as a result of your existence… Molly and Nicaragua are a couple of pretty obvious examples… I don’t have you, instead I have my freedom. I’m no longer unknowingly shackled to a false life.

I may not have that diamond ring anymore, but like the shine from what I thought would be my forever accessory; my life has been transformed. It no longer resides on my ring finger, but is rather contained in my heart forever, and far richer in clarity. Like a coal that has endured time and pressure well, I too am beginning to find my true potential.

Thank you Nicaragua. 🙏🏼❤️

2 thoughts on “I wanted to miss you, but I can’t.

  1. I absolutely love reading your story. Every time I read another post, I am moved and amazed by you and your insight.
    You are a strong and beautiful woman, mom, daughter and so many more things. Most of all, a person who finds the best in people and the strength to rise above.

    Liked by 1 person

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