Sometimes The Holiday’s Hurt and That’s Ok

The holidays are such an intense time of the year when it comes to emotions… For lots of us they are rich with traditions and flooded with the obligatory and/or exciting visits from friends and family. They can certainly be a beautiful reminder of the love that exists in our lives and world; but for some of us the holidays can also carry with them deep grief…

As much as I’d like to pretend that they don’t, this year the parties, holiday cards, days off, and Christmas lights seem to illuminate for me (and I’m sure many others); what and who is missing… The holidays signal that another year is coming to a close and so naturally, like a reflex, we can’t help but recall all that has happened. Everything that has been planted and bloomed, as well as all that has been plucked or untended to, and died… For me the past year has been as equally humbling as it has been excruciating… Reviewing it is not exactly my idea of a good time; although the eggnog does help!

Looking back it was a year that had been filled with planning for a future, that unknowingly and painfully; would never exist. It was a year that had been spent preparing for my families “forever.” It was another year of building, growing, working, living and loving. I know that comparison is futile, especially when it comes to universal feelings; for measurement escapes all emotions. Still I look back with sadness and I am struck with awe, that I thought I was in such a healthy and mutually loving relationship. Sometimes I wonder what my grief would look or feel like if you had died in an accident, had been abusive towards me, or simply chosen to leave us… I wonder if it would hurt any less, if the different details would haunt my dreams as profoundly, and most of all; if it would be easier to explain to my daughter when that day comes…

Yet, here we are… I awake every morning to realize that the unimaginable is in fact, our reality. It’s not getting easier, I’m just getting better at living our new life. You didn’t die, you weren’t mean or abusive (to us), and you didn’t “just” leave… Instead you completely betrayed and shocked us, you made our world a smaller, darker place, and left us to surf in your wake. You left us out here to deal with repercussions of your actions. You left us out here to mourn the loss of someone that is still very much alive. You left us here to cancel a wedding and reset our lives, with no explanation… It feels from my vantage point, to be as instantaneous and tragic as losing someone in a car crash; but your heart still beats and air still fills your lungs. You are still alive and the pain and confusion of it all continues to break me. It breaks me when I hear Molly’s friends throw the word(s) “Dad/Daddy” around like confetti. It breaks me when I realize that our family traditions now need tweaking. It breaks me in the worst of ways, and in the best of ways…

It breaks me wide open. I walk forward, one foot in front of the other; completely feeling the feels… I am profoundly and sometimes painfully aware of the world both inside and around me. I am open and free. So much so that I am able to notice that the root of my suffering is coming from my own expectations; my expectations that things should be different than they actually are… But they aren’t and no amount of wishing will ever make it so.

Things are exactly as they should be; all of this is serving a purpose that I need not yet understand… My only job is to stay awake to the process. In doing so I am able to see that the generosity, compassion, and love has outweighed the betrayals, lies, and deceit. I am able to observe that more good exists in the world than bad; which is a victory. I am able to recognize that as the sun sets and the moon rises; I’m still here. I’m still standing; which is a gift in itself. Staying positive is sometimes hard work, but in doing so I am able to easily access gratitude for the immense support of “my people” and the universe, as it is continuously revealed… This gratitude feeds the perspective of positivity, and the cycle continues… In the end authenticity, love, and kindness always win; and this is enough. This is more than enough…

5 thoughts on “Sometimes The Holiday’s Hurt and That’s Ok

  1. When are you going to publish your book, Kat? There are so many people who could benefit from reading your words and realizing that they are not alone and that there are ways to revitalize yourself after a horrible loss. I will help you edit if you want me to!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It appears you are writing to him…to read for himself when he is able to. Is this healing for you? Is this keeping the wounds open and fresh to keep reliving the deceit? I feel for you and your daughter, but I wonder if there is an agenda. Please don’t let it consume you.

    Like

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