There was something really cathartic about unexpectedly stepping foot back into Maine district court today. I couldn’t help but recall the last time I was there, several months ago.
My body seemed to viscerally remember the emotions and sensations, and how they almost swallowed me whole that day… I was so scared, sad, and seemingly broken that morning; as I sat with my attorney in the courtroom. A shell of the person I had thought I was; but also of who I am destined to become.
I was stunned to look around the room at the dozens of new, but blank faces there that day. I couldn’t comprehend how empty of emotion each one appeared to be; considering the circumstances that had brought us there together. We were all there for protection from abuse orders. Why were they so calm? Why were tears alluding them as they silently streamed down my cheeks? Perhaps they had been more unfortunate and been in those seats before? It’s understandable but striking how anxious I had been and how hard I cried in the car after; even when I’d been almost certain of what the outcome would be (and thankful for it).
The difference between that day and today was remarkable to me. I held my head high today as I entered the court to get paperwork signed/sealed, so that I could then get Molly’s name changed on her social security card. Instead of feeling weighted down by grief, I felt powerful, like Olivia Pope; I handled that shit.
So often it’s hard to see and/or feel emotional progress… It’s easier to judge yourself. To think you should be further along than you are. Time seems to pass so slowly and you question if you are moving forward at all. Let this be your reminder that you are!
There were moments I thought that this day would come, but here it is! A palpable example of how far I have come. An almost tangible awareness of how much healing I’ve done. Proof that not just time… but time, when fused with intention. Time when mixed with mustering up the courage to lean into the discomfort; to look it in the eyes, instead of running from it… Time and hard fucking work will set you freeee!
The path and journey of healing isn’t a linear one, and bad days are a guarantee… but in that court house my heart felt happy today; and that’s worth celebrating!