Don’t Go Asking Jesus Why…

This has been the kind of week that leaves you questioning what day it is, and where you are supposed to be; regardless of how many times you check your calendar or clock. It’s been the kind of week where you find yourself a going through the motions… doing what it takes to survive… The most ordinary of tasks feel heavy, yet you can’t help but subconsciously internalize that the ability to do anything, is a true gift…

It’s been the kind of week where nothing and everything seem to be equally significant. Like a “jumbo shrimp” or a “good”bye; it’s been a week that logically makes no sense. It’s been the kind of week in which the gratitude and love for what’s here and now, is just as immeasurable as the grief and sorrow, for that which has slipped away…

It’s been the kind of week where it feels like your heart has been butterflied wide open… A week seared by tragedy, and repeatedly questioned in confusion. Like a snapshot of a moment; it promises to be something that will eventually disintegrate, yet simultaneously you feel that you will hold on to it forever… It’s been a week in which you find yourself throwing bedtimes, grudges, and cautiousness to the wind.. You don’t give a shit about what co-sleeping will or won’t mean when your daughter is 23, because nauseatingly, you begin to fathom that some little girls never get to turn that old… You watch yourself navigate your way through a life and circumstances, that you can neither control nor elude. Your lungs continue to empty, which is the reminder you need, to breathe… The grief brings you to your knees; and it’s only then that recognize, what and all you can do is one in the same; pray.

So let us pray. Let us pray that we are able to remember what the vulnerableness of our broken hearts are showing us now. Let us close our eyes, place our hands on our hearts, and feel the pain; in doing so we are honoring what Anya was to us (both as individuals), and to the world. Let us then open our eyes and notice how very focused our vision of what is important has become. May we practice using these new lenses more often, to live the moments, days, months, and years of our lives with more intention, mindfulness, and love…

Not long ago I went to a psychic medium. She began by explaining the process I was about to take part in. She said to me, “We are all spirits here, having human experiences. We all choose our lives here on earth.” To elaborate further, she believes that as soul’s we live many human lives, and that each time we choose our vessels, how long we stay here, and even how we will leave… We choose it all for the purpose of evolution; the evolvement of ourselves and others… What a concept.

Years ago I wouldn’t have been able to receive this (just as perhaps you can’t now). It would have made me angry. I would have been questioning, (and still kind of was); who would ever want to choose this emotional torment for themselves? Likewise, what kind of “soul” would choose to deliberately inflict such grief into the hearts of others, that are walking the earth!?

My goal in seeing a “medium” at the time was to find comfort, (and maybe some answers), as to why my latest and greatest traumatic experiences were seemingly served to me. I was still grieving, confused, shocked, and disgusted by all that I had been enduring… Yet, I remember being really struck by this notion… In fact, I noticed that stronger than my internal dialogue of questions at the time, was the peace that seemed to flood me when I tried to surrender to this very idea…

What if I/ we have previously chosen our paths? This idea feels like it aligns with my yogic philosophies and faith; both of which have been my greatest comforts in navigating “hard times.” I recall having read multiple times, in multiple places, that whatever our circumstances are, we should live our lives as though we have chosen them. We don’t have to accept what is (from this point of view), happening “for” us, but life certainly becomes more pleasant if we can…

I mean the truth is that we don’t evolve because things workout… We evolve because of our blunders, the absurdities of life, and wrong choices… We grow, change, and hopefully become better versions of ourselves, because of the heartaches, failed relationships, losses, and goodbyes… In this way I believe that we are walking closer to our true destiny, every time we “fall,” but then choose to rise.

So I say let us (in honor of Anya), in honor of all the hard things we have endured (and survived), be affected… Let us feel all the crappy feelings. Let us be rocked to our very core(s) by the things and events that seemed unimaginable, until they occurred. It is through this exact process that we learn how to really show up; how to live. It is in losing people that we are reminded to tell others with not just our words (but also our actions), how important they are to us. We are reminded to hold sacred the gift of truly seeing someone; as well as that of truly being seen. Having known her or not, some of us may not yet be able to make peace with the loss of Anya and/or what this tragedy represents to us; and that’s ok. Like her life, her passing is a part of something much bigger… It’s not supposed to make sense or feel easy to navigate; for then the importance of these events would be diminished.

As you struggle I ask you to remember this rawness. The rawness that comes with a loss or grief of this magnitude… For truly the greatest goodness that can come from moments, days, and weeks like these, is for us to be reminded, (yet again), of what really matters… Life after tragedy strikes is the birthplace of meaning; which is why it’s so painful. The greatest gift we can give to the Anya’s of this world is to live with authenticity and integrity, as she seemed to. Let us find gratitude, and struggle to make sense of these hard moments in our lives; for we are still here.

2 thoughts on “Don’t Go Asking Jesus Why…

  1. I soak in and suspend on your written words. I hope someday you will submit these to something so the wider world beyond FB can reap the benefits of what you communicate. You embody grit & glory and are continued inspiration to not just your Mollygirl, yo so many of us! 💚 Sat nam sistah

    Liked by 1 person

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