I once laid on the floor of a grown mans walk in closet; crying and begging him not to break up with me. He still said goodbye. I haven’t seen him since. That memory though… of me, in the fetal position, petitioning for a love that was incredibly wrong for me… I still see that; and several years later, it remains vivid.
I can viscerally recall the sensation of my heart breaking, my lungs fighting to be filled with air, the hot tears leaking from my eyes, and the uncontrollable verbal vomiting that ensued… I’m not sure this is accurate, but I also picture myself with a single steady stream of snot, (leaking from only one nostril); just for good measure…
It’s hard not to categorize this haunting recollection of my twenty something year old heart, as pathetic and embarrassing. There I was, on my knees, pleading with a man, to love me. The emotional rug burns I sustained as I pulled myself from that mans house, make me want to barf. Especially now that I am raising a daughter!
That moment, within that breakup, clearly defines to me, what it is like to not want to let go… Now in all fairness, I hadn’t known how “un-lovingly” this man had been treating me during our relationship. It was with the passage of time that the truth surfaced, as it often does. What I did know however, was what he told me. “I’m just not in love with you anymore.” I can’t help but sit here now and think… that should have been enough.
I learned a lot from that relationship. It certainly served a special purpose. I’m not one for regrets, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I have some thoughts on how I could have handled things differently… When the memory of that moment arrives I feel sad for that young woman. I want so badly to walk over and kneel beside her in that closet. I want to place my hand on her back, just behind her heart, and to whisper in her ear. I want to say… “Honey, he can’t love you the way that you want and deserve to be loved. His heart belongs to another woman, (and although you can’t emotionally digest this right now); none of this diminishes your worth. Now get the fuck up, and walk out that door. It’s time to let go.”
The heart certainly wants what the heart wants, and because of that letting go can be brutal! To make it even worse, letting go doesn’t happen just once, or just in romantic relationships. Letting go is something we have to become acquainted with, in all kinds of circumstances. Letting go is something we have to do every morning; like when we hit the snooze button too many times, or spill coffee all over the place. Letting go is something we have to do throughout our days; like when we realize we’ve made a crappy life choice, or we have an argument with someone. When it comes down to it, we are constantly being forced into relinquishing control (or our perception that we have any), in life.
So it becomes a choice. Let go or be dragged. You already know the things that you need to let go of. You already know what’s working for you and against you in your life. You might not like it, but you already know. So you choose; surrender or resist. The end result will be the same; but you can choose the path…
It’s just like physically falling. Did you know there is a “correct” way to fall!?! Google it, and you can read all about how to tuck your chin and roll into it… The idea is to help you prevent injury. I’m not doubting that it’s easier to understand theoretically than to apply in the moment; most hard things usually are… The struggle is real, folks. Still, if you’re going to be a gymnast you better practice falling, or you’ll probably end up hurt. Just as if your sick of being emotionally dragged through mud, then you better practice letting go of the things that aren’t meant for you… What’s meant for you will not pass you by, but I do believe that perhaps we can get to it quicker and with more integrity if we listen to our truths. Take time to be still with yourself. Take inventory of what sits well with your heart and soul. Then perhaps you can begin to practice leaning in to the discomfort of letting go. No one wants to be dragged…. that just hurts.