Last week I woke up one night and couldn’t get back to sleep. The dog wouldn’t stop scratching at my bed, like he wanted to snuggle under my sheets… Yet, as soon as I reached for him he would run away! Pretty annoying; especially at two am. I softly cursed at him. How dare he need to pee, when I want to sleep! Is that even what he needed!? However, internally I was yelling at myself; that unassembled box of dog stairs had been a fixture in my living room for two weeks! And the truth is, that it lived on my porch for at least two months prior to that. (Thank God for amazon prime though!!!) Is this an indication of how badly I need to get my shit together!? I sure hoped not.
I reluctantly walked downstairs. My crusted contacts were still in, from my late night, crime series binge… I mindfully lifted my door blinds, so I could quickly and peripherally scope my porch… It was then that I noticed this conscious thought… “Does everyone do this? Is it normal to be scared right now?” I took a deep breath, and used my big brain, to courageously step, into the now dimly lit outside.
I encourage myself to continue to blink so I could see, wished that I had peed first, and hoped Julio would relive himself quickly! I didn’t wander far from the front door, because my precious baby was asleep inside. There I was… armed with a poop bag, and one working eye, when I noticed a distinct smell in the air… Coffee? Strange. Instantly my internal dialogue went wild. “It’s not coffee you dumb ass!” “It’s probably a skunk!”
Haha! “Whaaaaat!?!”- says me right now.
This is the thing I knew, both then and now… I have been consciously walking a road of forgiveness; therefore I’m not going to be scared anymore. I have blogged about it. I have set the intention. The universe is now conspiring to make all of my dreams come true! This is how I knew, that I was not smelling, a white hot chocolate mocha, from Starbucks, on my porch, in the pitch black. My mind is smarter than that; so I thought.
The dog peed and we scurried inside together. Until, maybe today, as I write this, I couldn’t understand why I had a small panic attack in the hours that followed these moments. I couldn’t understand why my chest was so constricted, and it was hard to breathe. Molly was safe. Julio was safe. I was safe. That should be enough, I thought.
This is the truth though… It’s not. It’s not enough. We can pretend that it is, because we think that’s what makes us strong; our ego and the world will feast on that for days! We are forgiving the unforgivable. So honorable. The “monstrosity” we endured is therefore forced to release us, right!?! We are so strong and brave!
The hard, cold, truth is it doesn’t matter if it was two years, two days, or twenty something months ago… Your body and your soul remember. They remember how shattering it was it to conceive the inconceivable. The memory is there inside of you. Trapped. It can’t be released until you notice it. It controls you, until you decide to recognize and surrender to how it makes you feel.
Freedom and forgiveness in action looks just like this… Learning how to honor what arises, no matter how angry, sad, or confusing it is. Holding onto that, while maintaining a willingness to walk forward; one step at a time. And also learning to rest when you need to…