That face you make when Anna shows up at your party…

5/20/19

Molly, Molly, Molly,

Last night at 8pm I tucked you into bed. The blue eyed, bold, brave, beautiful, and three year old version of you…

I read to you that story… the one about the mom who had a son; that kept on growing up!!! I softly rubbed your cheek with my thumb, as I cupped your head with that same hand; and flipped pages with my other… I whispered to you the words, that the mom sang to her son…

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be,” and damn… I really felt that!

I noticed as I read to you, the way your eyes filled with intrigue as mine welled with tears… and I thought about what a parallel that was; of our journey together in this world. Long after leaving your room, I sat with that recognition; of just how differently we sometimes see things.

You and your vantage point are both my biggest teachers and greatest treasures. You attack each day with so much enthusiasm, that I often find it impossible not to feel that same kind of joy. Of course the same amount energy also serves as my arch nemesis, when woven within the moments that you are not getting your way… They say to “do it with passion or not at all,” and girl, you got that down…

Your love for singing, dancing, theater, playing instruments, princesses, paw patrol, our dog Julio, Johnny Jam, and your best friend Ellis are not slowing down; in fact, they have only continued to inspire you…

This year wasn’t without some challenges, but luckily they pale in comparison to those from our past… I found myself making you a sticker chart to inspire you to wear “real clothing;” and not just fancy princess outfits to daycare. The hilarious irony of which was that you chose a new princess dress as your reward!

I’m happy to report that you rarely pee your bed (or mine) these days…Thank you for that! You are really enjoying dance class, braving the pool at UNE for swim lessons, and pumped about getting ready to join gymnastics. You have quite the imagination, and love to imitate things. You never seem to shy away from the spotlight.

As I reflect on the milestones and moments that have been profound to me (as your mother) this year, I can’t help but wonder what memories you will stay with you… I’m praying it wasn’t that time I was short with you, doing paperwork instead of watching frozen again, or away at my second at my second job. Just letting those thoughts cross my mind really motivates me, to be better.

The world is full of us, but shit… being a single parent is still tough sometimes…

I miss being able to exchange “all knowing” looks with your dad when you do something amazing, or insane. I miss being able to play the “not it card” when I’ve had a hard day, because you always need me… Mostly though, I miss knowing I’ll have someone else to blame some day, if I screw all of this up!

As hard as I try to ignore it, highlights like birthdays, often seem to accompany me with an emotional twinge of sorts. Being your mom is nothing, if it is not loving you so fiercely, that I hunger to protect you… I’m more of a spiritual person than religious, but I’ve done a good deal of praying over the past couple of years… Throughout this time I’ve continued to dream of ways that I could save you, from the seemingly inevitable smorgasbord of emotions, you are destined to face…

And still… more often than not, I’m left knowing that the best I can do is to model for you t you how to feel, heal, and deal with the reality, as I/you best know and understand it… So I try. I fail. Then I try again. Striving always, to keep this in mind…

Tonight something really special happened, after you blew out your candles… We ate cake and ice cream with our besties and we wondered outside, where we were lucky enough to catch a glimpse of a rainbow. Ellis’s mom Casie looked at me and mentioned that according to the Bible, rainbows are a promise from a God. I didn’t ask her, and

I’m not sure if she had you (or us) in mind as she spoke, but I certainly did! I got goosebumps and I had to google it. Sure enough I learned that “the bow” in the sky was a gift from God to Noah; a promise. The rainbow was God’s way of letting Noah know that “never again will floodwaters kill all living creatures; never again will a flood destroy the earth.”

Baby girl, I’m not sure what that big four year old version of you wished for, but the above mentioned, is a silent prayer my heart makes to the universe regularly… We are those creatures and the earth that is spoken of; and tonight I can’t help but take this is a sign, that my wish is manifesting…

Regardless though, the truth is that I now know we can do hard things… You are so much braver and stronger than I am even able to recognize yet. You are a princess and a warrior. You were created to walk this path; you even dance as you do it. I hope when you read these words someday, you will be able to not just see, but hold tight to that vision of yourself.

I feel so much gratitude for the way my life has been orchestrated; to deliver us to each other. In you I find my greatest purpose on this planet… You inspire me to dig my heels in and try harder, to level up in ways I’d never though of before; because of you I want to do (and be) more… I find myself working tirelessly, to become the kind of woman that I want you to some day grow into. Life with you is like a million small adventures, and yet when you climb onto my lap, snuggle into my chest, and my arms wrap around you; I am always home.

I can’t wait to meet, greet, love, play, learn, and grow with each version of you, as it arrives! Happy fourth birthday, baby!!🌪💕👧🏼🌈🙏🏼

P.s. Don’t forget to remember that time I helped orchestrate a combined “Frozen” themed fourth birthday party, for you and your bestie! It was epic.

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