Molly, Julio, and I down by the Eastern Trail

Ughhhhh. Dating is hard. No matter how you slice, dice, or serve it… Right? Am I wrong!? ***If you disagree pleeeeease tell me more!***

I’m not sure I’ve ever been thrilled to date. I’m one of those women. One of them that “feels too deeply,” and usually “too fast.” I have two speeds; zero or 210. (I meant to write 110, but I’m just gonna leave that there, because my fingers probably know what my brain really wanted to say).

As I made mention of, I think I’ve felt this way even before I was a single mother. Actually, I know I did… I can specifically recall crying in my car on the way to (at least) one first date. Ya know… those nervous “taking the leap,” after a heartache kind of tears…

Honestly, if I’m not crying en route to a first date, it’s probably because I’m not excited, or my body has been hijacked by a different primal response; like the need to vomit or pee. If I’m not experiencing (at least a slight) arrhythmia of the heart before a first face to face encounter, I don’t even want to go… Maybe that’s my problem. haha!

*Full disclosure; I have some anxiety issues*

Aside from having never really enjoyed the initial process of dating… my time now, (as an only parent), is so much more limited, and sacred.

Limited, sacred, annnnnnd complicated!!

Being blessed with an awesomely enthusiastic, and stubborn four year old seems to bring with it at least a couple of challenges. The most obvious of which is a lack of time.

Recently though, I did it. I gave the dating game a real solid go! I had some great conversations with this “gentleman” prior to our first date. Some decent pre-screening (worth the cost of a sitter), dialogue totally existed!!!

Fantastic first date, I thought. Annnd thought he thought! Then he said he thought so too… *cue the hearts and my gas pedal.

Many dates and a few months later though… I’ve been blocked on FB, probably by his phone, and “ghosted.” I thought that was only a term/ thing that millennials knew about and participated in. Until this week. I mean I’m in my thirties and he’s in his forties… What the heck!?

It’s funny the kind of crazy things you can endure, and the ways you can still simultaneously managed to be shocked in this world, isn’t it!?

This blog is intended to be “discreet.” It’s not meant to grab the attention of, incriminate, or bash the man (or any man) I’ve happily chosen to spend my time with. (Just Incase “for cripes sakes” or other haters are reading)…

Truthfully, I’m writing because I feel fragile and alone. I feel sad and in some ways simultaneously inspired.

Sad that I chose wrong. That I thought a different pattern of communication and dating would lead to not just a different, but also a better “ending.” Sad that even though I sometimes meditate inside a copper hoop (to raise my vibration), I still texted and called this man; from a more reactive emotional place, than I would have liked. That I had subconsciously convinced myself that him (or a member of his family) were in the hospital, while hoping they actually weren’t… when really he just was ignoring me.

I’ve spent a couple days feeling really lame and undesirable. I thought about what a pathetic share this might be. How unworthy, unattractive, and unloveable this experience has made me feel….

And ironically, that’s where I found my inspiration to share. Knowing how deeply lonely I sometimes feel, even when I’m surrounded by so much love; this is my “why…” It hurts and sucks, but I know it will fade; but maybe you don’t!?

This is for me as much as it is for one of you… Let yourself be Inspired by what you’ve been through. And as your tears dry and your breath regulates, remind yourself… this is what vulnerability, courage, and authenticity looks like in action. Own the perceived blunders and absurdity’s of your own emotions. Recognize that your actions may feel as equivalently astonishing to your counterpart, as the silence of them feels to you.

Then remember. You can’t do their work. Analyzing their mind won’t help you. YOU are your job. To trip, to fall, to get back up, and to still try again; that is progress. It’s hard, it’s sometimes sad; but it’s also wicked inspiring.

#RockOn

2 thoughts on “Molly, Julio, and I down by the Eastern Trail

  1. Let me refer you to a life changing book, Jackson MacKenzie’s “Psychopaths Free.” It describes in detail the 3 part cycle of relationships with narcissists, which you have just described perfectly in this post as well as in your past posts. These people target highly sensitive empaths. Until you know their pattern, you are almost certain to attract another one. I know from personal experience. Thanks to this book and 3 years of research into this covert form of abuse, I am now finally free and happy! ( Would love to talk.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my goodness. I actually own it. Someone sent it to me a couple of years of ago after my ex was arrested. I wasn’t ready to read it, but I can tell that now is the time! Thank you for sharing.

      Like

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