Listen up everyone,
I’ve been thinking, and feeling, and keeping quiet about this for a while now, but I just can’t anymore…
This pandemic is painful. It’s grief, in stagnant motion.
In the best of circumstances it is the death of the world as we once knew it; while we are safe, and fed, and warm in our homes. It is the loss of “busyness,” and purpose as we once understood it. It’s zoom meetings, homeschooling, and remote working haaaard for our money.
It’s grief shape shifting itself; and forming numbers. Numbers that are being deposited into our bank accounts, that (in some cases) exceed the checks that we use to earn after working 40 hours a week, (maybe even with a masters degree); while we sit on the couch, binge watching Grey’s Anatomy…but feeling helpless.
It’s grief finding your throat and using your voice to yell at your toddler, for peeing her pants three times in one day, when she’s been potty trained for over a year! Even when you are educated enough to understand what is going on… You’re experienced, but scared; and so are they.
It’s grief disguised as a vacation, that you can’t leave home for. A marathon of sheltered days where you can’t visit, or touch, or hug the people that you love. It’s the recognition, scratch that, the complete validation, of the power of presence, and touch.
It’s the endangerment of those we deem to be essentialists, and our first responders. It is the dying of our businesses, our livelihoods, and our jobs; it feels like the slow extinguishing of hope.
And of course In the worst of the worst case scenarios, it is the actual fight for our own lives that we are facing. That and/or the last breaths of people that we love, alone in “their” beds…
I may not be sharing anything you don’t already know or feel. This may strike you as a depressing or unhelpful perspective. I have my reasons though…
I have my reasons, because in my body it’s April 22nd, 2017. It’s Saturday, April 22nd 2017, but the earth has since circled the sun three times; and it’s a leap year… So it’s really Wednesday April 22nd, 2020.
I’ve been telling my body that all day. And I can’t seem to distinguish if the heartache and sadness are a result of the current state of the world, or the rewinding of these past three years. The rewinding and returning to that place in time…
My body remembers this date. It remembers because it was just after my birthday? It remembers because it was just before May? Maybe it remembers because you can’t undo that kind of breaking… Or you just can’t piece back together something that never existed?
I’m clearly compelled to explain why it remembers, but don’t we all have days like these? Days, or weeks, or months that we can’t escape. The harder we try to forget, the more intrusive the thoughts/feelings become. Your body remembers, your mind takes over, and the “suffering” exists… It’s the law of attraction, diligently doing its work.
Last week I closed on a house. I didn’t just close on a house though… It was/it is, so much bigger than that. I had thought that today would be good day to do some brain re-wiring… I wanted nothing more than to casually write about the victories in my life over these past three years.
I wanted to prove to myself and all of you that may decide to read, how far I’ve come. I wanted to write about the meaning I’ve found in my “new” life.
Unfortunately it wouldn’t have been authentic, because today was hard. It wasn’t unbearable. Things are getting easier or I’m just getting stronger, but it was still hard. It was the traumatic anniversary of a day (I wish I could forget), amidst a global pandemic….
I can’t not honor the truth of what I feel today… because someone else out there is feeling it to, and they need this voice.
So what do we do when the pause is painful? When life slows wayyyy down?
We notice it. We feel it. Then we take as many breaths as we need to, as
many times as we have to, to begin again. We recognize the urge to hide. To be unauthentic. Then we find the courage to move.
I see you. We got this. C’mon 2023! 🙌🏼♥️